For as long as I can remember,
I've wanted to be a cop just like my dad.
If you move one goddamn inch,
I am gonna shove my boot so far up your ass...
...you'll be shittin' shoelaces for a cock-suckin' month,
you green, shit-sniffin' asshole!
Kevin! Where did you hear that language?
My dad was my hero and I was his little rookie,
but everything changed that fateful day.
Wait. Where's Kevin?
He's taking a nap. Let's you and me get weird.
Dad, look! I'm a real cop, just like you.
爸爸 我是个真正的警察 就像你一样
My nut! You shot me in my nut!
Dad, are you okay?
Fuck, no, Kevin! No, I'm not okay!
操 凯文 不 我有事
Sorry, Dad. I'll put the safety on.
抱歉 爸爸 我来上保险
My other nut!
That's not thexa0safety, that's the trigger you little asshole!
那不是保险 那是扳机 你这个小混蛋
Oh my God.
Good morning. How's my favorite dad?
Kevin, I'm a divorced guy with no balls
who has to wear a testosterone
patch to keep his mustache from falling out.
So I'm shitting rainbows. Yay! That's great, Dad.
所以我爽的不行 太棒了 爸爸
Say, do you still have that open position on the force?
What do you think? No one wants to be a cop anymore.
Hello! What about me? I have told you a thousand times.
I will never trust you to be a cop after what you did to me.
I was having a pretty great life
before you murdered my squirters.
Dad, I was a kid.xa0I'm 18 now.
爸爸 我当时只是个孩子 我都18岁了
Look, Kevin, I still love you. It's just--
凯文 我还是爱你的 只是...
You got an A in metal shop.
I'm sure you could earn a good living making pipe bombs
or whatever the fuck they do.
Bombs are boring! Boring?
You know what's "Boring"?
Making love to a middle-aged man
with no testicles and a floppy ding-dong!
Why do you think your mom left me?
She said it was because you are a stubborn, sexist,
piece of shit asshole that can never admit when he's wrong.
She'd never leave me over anything that trivial.
She obviously left because she missed my balls so much.
Well, who could blame her? They were nearly perfect.
Smooth and hairless. Your mom couldn't get enough of 'em.
I'd drop 'em down on her eyes,
and she'd pretend to be the Hamburglar.
It's sweet moments like that that I miss so much.
You should've seen it, Kevin.
She'd put on the black hat and go, "Rabble, rabble!"
Now, Gina, you know this restraining order I have on you,
it specifically covers not honking my bitch tits.
Does it cover this?
Yes. "Foghorn-ing my peter," Article seven, paragraph two.
没错 "拉我的小弟弟" 第七章第二条
Good morning, officers. Let's get started.
早上好 警官们 开始吧
Sorry, Chief, I was just in the evidence room doing... inventory.
抱歉 局长 我在证物处...做清查
Goddamn! I love inventory!
Oh, inventory, huh?
What's that white powder all over your snout?
How am I supposed to sniff out cocaine
if I don't know what it smells like?
Good point. Moving on.
Chief, first of all, namaste.
局长 首先 合十礼
Second, when am I going to get my motherfucking flak jacket?
Never! We're broke, Fitzgerald.
不可能了 我们破产了 菲茨杰拉尔德
We only have 12 bullets to last us to the end of the month.
We can't even afford Hopson's pension so he can retire.
In 1941 I was the prettiest girl in school.
I won the 4-H beauty pageant
and made finger-love to Mickey Rooney.
You don't need a flak jacket, Fitzgerald. You don't get shot at.
你不用防弹衣 菲茨杰拉尔德 你不会中枪
You're afraid to leave your police car.
It's my PTSD, Chief.
You know I was a cop in Chicago. Some dark shit happened.
But I deal with stressful situations
by chanting my mantra during transcendental meditation.
All right. Any of you other idiots
manage to do any police work yesterday?
I pulled over a suspicious lookin' colored fella.
Third time this week.
The only thing doing any real work here is Dusty's insulin pump.
I do real police work, okay. I busted my 99th criminal yesterday.
You keep track of your arrests? I don't just "Keep track."
I scrapbook that shit.
I'll never forget my first arrest. He was a litterbug.
This photo captures the exact moment
when 50,000 volts turned his spine into dust!
He doesn't litter anymore because he can't hold things.
Gina, did you ever go see that shrink about your "Anger issues"?
This one. Turns out he had an unpaid parking ticket.
Piece of fucking shit.
Goddamn it. This is why everybody hates us.
Maybe PR would improve if we didn't have to walk around
with a puckering butt-hole patch.
That happens to be a sunset
that I designed myself in Microsoft Paint!
Personally, I like the butt-hole. It intimidates the citizens.
就我而言 我喜欢这屁眼子 能镇住市民
I mean, if anything, we should add a billy club
being rammed right into it.
I saw you put that in the suggestion box.
The point is, nobody wants to work here.
Except for me.
Kevin, what the hell are you doing in that uniform?
I'm officially a cop! Mom hired me! Ha-ha!
Mayors can do that.
Funny story, I divorced this sexist, piece of shit asshole
who said a woman could never get elected mayor.
You ran against a pig in a t-shirt,
who won the popular vote, by the way.
Karen, I do not want this sack sniper working here.
It doesn't matter what you want. This'll be good for Kevin.
Yeah, I've been dreaming of proudly wearing this
puckering butt-hole my entire life.
It's a sunset.
And face it, he's the only cop you can afford.
Well, that's your fault, Mr. Mayor, the whole town is broke.
那是你的错 市长大人 整座城市都破产了
Trust me, I've been looking for money everywhere I can.
Oh, Lambie-pie, are you almost done?
I'm running on fumes in the Tesla.
This is the man I've been seeing, Dr. Dinkle. He's a dentist.
这是我的男朋友 町洋医生 他是个牙医